As you wake up this morning, either hungover or no, and celebrate the death of 2020 and new life in 2021. Here's everything that is going to happen to your fair city (and region) in 2021. The below are absolutely guaranteed to happen with a margin of error of 100%.
January: Disgusted with the CDC guidance for the COVID-19 vaccine, Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo discards it in the name of 'economic justice' and declares that anyone within the county making more than $60,000 per year immediately will be placed in distribution group 1000Z which means that you will receive your vaccination just after the animals in the Houston Zoo.
February: Sylvester Turner, not willing to give up the position of Mayor that he has dreamed about since he was a child in Acres Homes, ram-rods through a City Ordinance allowing him to bypass term limits and remain Mayor for Life, or until he finally satisfies all of his political patrons financially.
March: Houston firefighters are told that they will get the vaccine eventually or, once they come back to the bargaining table and accept Turner's changes to their pensions allowing the HPD to continue to have Most Favored Department status forever.
April: HPD Commissioner Art Acevedo remains coy regarding his political future still suggesting that he's "looking for the right opportunity" to run for higher office. In reality he's hoping to let memories of his HPD mismanagement fade.
May: The Houston Chronicle Editorial Board writes a positive editorial on Biden's first 100 days in Office, continues to run it every week until Biden is eventually removed from office, in which case they just change all instances of "Biden" to "Harris" in the copy. No one notices this because no one pays attention to them any longer.
June: Houston firefighters and zoo animals finally begin receiving vaccines for COVID-19. The County give Judge Lina Hildago an "Excellence in Leadership" award that's really a recycled participation trophy from a youth soccer league with tape over the face plate and the new information written in permanent marker.
July: Erica Greider hears about Lina's award from Miya Shay at a dinner party in Asia Town and pens a column terming Lina's Excellence in Leadership a "Major Award". No one notices because no one pays any serious attention to her any longer, except for waiting for her next Twitter meltdown.
August: The Federal Government finally releases vaccine to private healthcare entities thus thwarting Judge Lina Hidalgo's attempt to keep it from certain groups indefinitely. In a hastily called press conference she bemoans her "lack of authority" to prevent anything she does not like from happening.
September: A major milestone is hit as most Houstonians have now received the COVID-19 vaccine and new cases are as close to zero as makes no difference. Governor Abbott removes all restrictions, Turner and Judge Lina Hidalgo hold a hastily called press conference calling this decision irresponsible.
October: Trick or Treating, and anything fun, are banned in Harris County on penalty of permanent imprisonment. Due to bail reform the prison guards are getting bored.
November: Eating Turkey for Thanksgiving is also now punishable by a criminal offense, as is gathering with anyone outside of your immediate household for any reason. The reason for this is because private jail firms have threatened to sue the City and County for default on their contracts. COVID-19 cases in Harris County are still zero.
December: Santa Clause is named an "enemy of the County" due to his failure to pay property or sales taxes on all of those gifts he carries. The City of Houston wants to fine him "exactly the amount of the budget short fall for the next fiscal year.
January 2022: Under intense pressure from unions and other groups who have been out of a job all year Judge Lina Hidalgo FINALLY relents and lowers her COVID alert-level thingy to Orange.
Happy New Year everyone.
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