Monday, May 3, 2010

The Comprehensive Houston Area Political Jargon Cheat-sheet.

What they say vs. What they mean.....*

Chapter One: Development

What they say:Mixed-Use Development

What they Mean: Honestly, we go nuthin'. I mean, there's single use development (i.e. your house) and then pretty much everything else. The goal here is to put lipstick on the pig that drunkenly walks up to your stoop and takes a piss on the door. You call that an intrusion, we call it the learning opportunities present in a diverse urban environment.

What they say: Walkable Neighborhoods

What they mean: OK, we admit it, we're seriously invested in inner-loop real-estate and that damn light-rail, 7-mile piece of crap just isn't doing it for us. Thank God for Al Gore and his "save the planet" marketing pitch because without that we'd be screwed. Hey, it's not like everyone is a former member of City Council who can cut a sweet-heart deal to have a soccer stadium built on his previously lowly-regarded piece of property.

What they say: Eco-friendly transit is part of the new "green" economy.

What they mean: Yeah, we know, we've got no idea where in the world those supposed "green jobs" are going to come from either, but it sure makes for a helluva marketing campaign doesn't it?

What they say: Dense, urban environments are good for the planet.

What they mean: How dare you asshole suburbanites differ in your ideas from us. I mean seriously, can't you see our graphs? Don't you know we're the iMac generation, the creative class that's going to save your butt from ranch style homes? Yards? You idiots want yards? Why have a yard when you can have a shared green-space (parks) where child molesters have free-run at your kiddies? Hell, in a fenced in yard how's your child supposed to learn basics like self-defense? Give them some pepper spray, teach them to holler out loud and be done with it. Next thing you know you morons will be wanting a car. Gits.

What they say: World-Class

What they mean: To be honest, we couldn't think of a single-damn benefit that cost-justifies this monstrosity so we're falling back on platitudes. You want real world-class? Well then move to a World-class city. What we're offering you is a shrink-wrapped, photo-copied version with a busted fuser. It's a close facsimile but not the real thing. Sort of like Pamela Anderson Lee dressed up as Sophia Loren, looks OK from a distance until you get up close and realize the things done up on the cheap.

What they say:Houston Luxury Real Estate Outside of River Oaks.

What they mean: You're right, we can't keep a straight face when we say that either. How about a nice, Heights-area fixer-upper?

*Part One of a series. Helping you to cut through the political crap in Houston politics and get to the heart of the matter.

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