Because, in the due course of County events, and because The Apple Dumpling Gang spoke up, there comes a time that the public Just Needs to Know, we here at HCA are proud to present to you the following voters guide for the upcoming 2010 elections. Unlike other voting guides we will offer no endorsements, nor will we presume to tell you how to vote. Our job here is merely to capture the essence of each party's job applicants with as little real research and effort as is humanly possible.*
So, without further ado.....
Republican: Rick Perry - The longest serving Governor in Texas history. Known primarily for his great hair and being the only aTm yell leader to ever give the "Hook 'em" sign at a public appearance. Despite this, he is still the favorite to win if for no other apparent (to us) reason than he's not the other guy. Poster child for the fallacy that longevity equates to competence.
Democrat: Bill White - Quite possibly the dullest, least interesting Goober candidate to come down the two-party pipe since.....(Hold on we're thinking).....any way, at least Chris Bell had funny commercials. White's greatest claim to fame is that he's...well he's.....dangit. See what I mean? Anyway, White is well liked by the State's ruling class and some other folks who just don't like Republicans for whatever reason. He'll lose by about 7 pts and then his supporters will call Texans "stupid". It's how they roll.
Libertarian: Kathy Glass - What's known abo......Ah forget it. 3-5% of the vote tops. Moving on.
Green: Deb Shafto - OK, seriously.....
Sugar Free Goober:
Democrat: Linda Chavez-Thompson - Chavez-Thompson is one of two things: Either proof positive that Matt Angle doesn't see Dewhurst as all that beatable or proof positive that Matt Angle has lost it. Either way you have to wonder about the mentality of a party that is willing to run a high-school dropout, former illegal immigrant for the second highest office in the land based solely on the fact that she has a Hispanic surname. Pander much?
Republican: David Dewhurst - Dewhurst wants to be Gov. so badly one wonders if he doesn't scratch the Lt. off of his business cards from time to time. This is a man whose clothes are incapable of wrinkling, who has the pointiest nose in the business and who......well, OK. We're not saying he's an empty suit but let's just say this: When it comes to Dewhurst one could dehydrate waiting for water from his ideological well.
Republican: Greg Abbott - Loaded,(with campaign cash) effective, and in a wheelchair. This makes him the most difficult candidate in Texas to run against, especially if you have to go negative. Attacks on Abbott are rare, and limited to the far-left ideological refuse dumping ground of the Netroots. Made a lot of money as a trial lawyer, now works against them. (Hey, he got his)
Democrat: Barbara Ann Radnofsky - Previously known for having the second-worst political commercial of all time (the worst being "vote twice for Shelley"), and for getting her rookie political hat handed to her by Kay Bailey Hutchison in the political race with the most spelling mistakes in media history. Now she's becoming known for promising to sue anyone and anything that makes a profit in Texas and for being the heir-apparent to Chris Bell as the Texas Democrat perennial candidate. If she promises to fire off a moon-shot she'll hit the trifecta and win the cheap stuffed bear with the purple fur.
Democrat: Hank Gilbert - Blew it on his taxes, fell back on the oldest trick in the book: blamed the accountants. Bounced checks, fell back on the oldest trick in the book: blamed the accountants. Will lose the race, and fall back on the oldest trick in the book: will blame the voters for being stupid.
Republican: Todd Staples - Seems to spend more time dreaming of higher office than actually handling the business of agriculture. Staples strikes us as the type of candidate that sort-of got caught up in something bigger than himself. I mean, sure he wanted to get elected but once he got there he was totally unprepared to tackle the job at hand. He's "W" for a new generation, except without the interesting, boozy past and rumored cocaine trysts.
Republican: Jerry Patterson - The splash page of his website has him firing a gun, standing with the troops, standing with small children (presumably, his grandchildren) and standing alone in a bad shirt surrounded by prairie grass. To this we offer our congratulations for hitting the political schlock grand-slam.
Democrat: Hector Uribe - To date, his big campaign moment has been his humor, which is good to see. Because this race is going to be a laugher. Appears to be wearing a Members Only jacket on the splash page of his website. Who the hell wears Members Only these days?
Texas Rail Road Commissioner (Note: Job has very little to do with railroads, but we do hear that they're considering regulating Metro's 7 miles of track.)
Democrat: Jeff Weems - Has a goatee. Conventional political wisdom says that you can't trust a candidate with a goatee. Just to be safe we're not even believing that his real name is Jeff Weems, or that he's really running for office. Just sayin'
Republican: David Porter - Beat out Republican incumbent, in part, because his opponent had an Hispanic surname. It cannot be verified, nor discounted that he petitioned the Texas Election Board to have his opponents name printed out as "El Jefe Weems".
There are, of course, plenty more election races on the ballot but we're pretty sure this is all you need to cast an informed vote come November. Since most of you are going to check the "straight party" box anyway we're proud to announce that, unlike those of our competitors, no trees were harmed in the creation of this e-voting guide.
"HCA: Guarding our environment AND our democracy in one fell swoop.**"
*Note: Election judges, should you find anyone going to the polls and using a print-out of this post as an election guide it is our fervent hope that you remand them immediately over to the care of the appropriate mental health facility. Shoot, WE don't even follow our recommendations.
**Except that we don't have a democracy per se....more of a Republic type thing with deeply entrenched political machines, corrupt politicians and gerrymandering. You know, the best system in the world.