Thursday, December 20, 2012

Some good news on the eve of the Mayan apocalypse

As the Mayan calendar trundles forward to the end of history and the world apparently I have some good news for those of you worried about the coming ruination of all things Gaea.  There are, in fact, a great many things that you're worrying about now that seemingly won't matter after tonight.

1. Sequestration - Let's assume for a minute that the United States of Obama really is planning to put on a squirrel suit and hit the air for a leap off the fiscal cliff.  Doesn't matter.  Because when the great rogue planet smashes into the Earth your personal income tax rate (and the rate of those making slightly more than you) won't matter one iota.

2. The dismantling of the 2nd Amendment -If (or when, depending on your point of view) Mother Earth goes blammo is it really going to matter whether or not you're carrying your Glock 9 into the hereafter?

3. Whether or not Chris Bell will ever run for public office again. - I understand that, for a few years now, you've been worrying about that, Democrats wanting him to run because he's a solid progressive and Republicans hoping he runs for the comedic potential, and maybe he will, I hear there's going to be a need for administrators in the afterlife, possibly we can get a 'moon-shot' for gold-paved road repair?

4. Miss USA is now Miss Universe - Great, you're saying, we finally win one and it's going to be the shortest reign ever.  Look on the bright side.  This means there's less time for a nudie-picture scandal to come to the forefront. (Miss. Brazil should have won, or Miss South Africa.)

5. Climate Change - All that infrastructure laying by Al Gore and his investors, all of that speechifying and factually challenged movie making, Nobel prize wins, and countries fleeced only to have it all crashing down as the seas ultimately boil away due to nothing caused by man.  Must be a downer.

6. Who wins the Garcia/Alvarado pillow fight? - Thankfully (for the people soon to be represented by one of these two) it's not going to matter as the projected population of the district will soon be naught.

So, as you move along today, trying to meet deadlines, trying to finish off that last-minute Christmas shopping list for the people you forgot to shop for keep in mind this thought:  It's all possibly meaningless tomorrow. 

Unless, that is, you actually wake up in the morning.  That's because it will already be the next day in Japan, and the Mayans were wrong.  In which case you should re-load your worry list and you can resume your normal state of barely controlled panic over the state of things.

Finally, I wouldn't advise cashing in your 401(k) and flying to Las Vegas for an end of world bender just yet.  I'm doubtful that we should take too seriously predictions of the end of time from a culture who was unable to predict something as simple as their own demise.

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