Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Houston Texans: Inside the Texans Brain Trust (Probably)

(Somewhere in between preparing for Sunday's game against the Jacksonville Jaguars and recording one of his many radio spots, Texans Head Coach Bill O'Brien takes a moment to speak with General Manger Rick Smith about the next draft*.......)

NRG Stadium:  Wednesday, December 30th. 2:40 PM CST

Rick Smith: "Hey coach, you got a minute?"

Bill O'Brien: "The fuck you want now Rick?"

Smith: "Listen, I know you're busy working on actual football stuff but Mr. McNair did say that we had to find a quarterba.."

O'Brien: "What? Now? Can't you fucking see that I'm in the middle of fucking preparing to play the Jaguars with Brandon fucking Weeden as my starting QB?"

Smith: "Yeah, about that. I know you're busy but did you have a chance to watch Paxton Lynch play today?  He was in that bowl game you kn....."

O'Brien: (Sighs) "Lynch, Lynch it's always fucking Lynch with you.  Haven't I already decided that we're picking Christian?"

Smith: "No, no you're right coach, and I don't feel that strongly about it either way, I just thought that with his height and ar...."

O'Brien: "OK, fine. We'll pay attention to this Goddamn Lynch kid for a minute.  What was his line today?"

Smith: "Got it right here......he went 17/38 for....ummmm..."

O'Brien: "For?"

Smith: "Well, this was only one game and his....."

O'Brien: "Rick, we've been over this. I don't care if it's one game or 20, give me his fucking stat line. I've just beaten the Titans with Brandon Fucking Weeden at QB you idiot."

Smith: "104 yards and one INT Bill."

O'Brien: Vince Fucking Wilfork in overalls Rick!  104 with one INT?  Just write the name Christian Hackenberg on the damn draft slip, mail it to NY and leave me the fuck alone.  Shouldn't you be funneling McClain some bullshit about Arian coming back or something?"

Smith: "Sorry Bill, it won't happen again.  I'm all over the Hackenberg thing.  You're right.  Sorry."

O'Brien: (mumbling) "Jesus fucking Christ....104 and one interception.  Could have gotten that shit out of Mallett."

*Obviously a parody conversation.  Except the cursing which I'm pretty sure, given O'Brien's language, is pretty real.

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