Friday, March 15, 2013

The New (Revised) Houston Political Dictionary (v 2.4.2)


Can - Affirmative, hope-filled accomplishment based verb typically attached to your party of choice.

Can't - Or, can not. Negative, fear-filled, catastrophe based verb typically attached to the other side.

The minute Barack Obama's campaign team adopted "Yes we can!" (Si se Puede!) as a campaign slogan the politicization of these words were cast in stone.  Unfortunately, this also led to the creation of some pretty stupid alterations of party names by some of the lesser political minds in an attempt to be witty.  What it's really done, is end political satire and place us firmly in a world populated by Demoncrats and Republicants.  

Cannabis - The libertarian Holy Grail for a free society.

Car - For progressives: Beelzebub. For conservatives: 'merica

Celibate - A sex-free state of being that many conservatives incorrectly attribute to teenagers and clergy. For progressives: the worst possible thing in the world to teach in sex-ed.
To be celibate has, historically meant to be pure.  In today's sexually liberated culture someone who is celibate is viewed as either too ugly to mate or as being in possession of some mental illness. Given their hostility toward the idea of celibacy being taught in schools you wonder if some progressives are against it due to the painful childhood memories it dredges up?  Of course, for conservatives, sex is taboo and some still find it scandalous that a women exposes her ankles so their motivations are a little more clear.

Central Business District - An area where seemingly no-one wants to live but which Houston is subsidizing Millions of dollars of residential construction.

Central Heating & Air - The greatest invention in the history of Houston.

Chad Holley - Proof that Quannel X should never visit Sam Houston Race Park
Shortly after presenting Holley to Houston as St. Chaddeus the put-upon the youth was arrested for attempting to take something that wasn't his.  Then, upon his sentencing he was arrested again thus making him the test case for HPD's new continual arrest program.  Unfortunately, the fact that Holley is a punk has obscured the fact that HPD officers did something that needs a closer look and that simply because someone is a victim, doesn't mean they're good people. In short: It's OK to think the HPD officers who tried to use Holley to try out for the Texans place-kicker position need to be punished while believing, at the same time, that Mr. Holley should be a long time guest at the Gray Bar Hotel.

Charcuterie - Sausage in the language of the FoodBorg.

Children - The reason given by politicians of an authoritarian lean for every law proposed to take away the people's rights.

Chris Bell - Perennial candidate

Chris Bell - Perennial candidate

Chris Bell - Perennial candidate

ChronBlog - Houston's former newspaper of record.

Church - Tax exempt buildings where the faithful go to hear the Good News once per week in an attempt to assure themselves their actions for the week's other six days won't condemn them to Satan's EZ-Bake.

Ch$rch, Lakewood - Joel Osteen's personal ATM machine. Not to be confused with Church.

Citizens' Transportation Coalition - Christof Spieler's former one-man play.
To understand the impact that Spieler had on the CTC one only needs to look at the group's activity since it's intellectual soul has been carved out and placed on the Metro board. Once possessing the ability to create some pretty maps on iMacs the group is now relegated to offering up the occasional posting on Metro/City issues offering nothing of substance.

College - The triumph of theory over real-world experience.
Not only are many political leaders under the false impression that a college degree is a must for a healthy and successful life, but it's to the point that mortgaging one's future is now viewed as essential in order to achieve success as well.  The result of this is the collapse of vocational education thus placing several promising plumbers, electricians and other manual laborers in the unenviable position of having to listen to a lefty professor with no real-world experience explain to them the philosophical theory behind the widget.

Conservative - Republican hipsters minus the trendy eye wear.
Due to the crush of the mainstream media against Republicans the safe out for many of a small-government lean is to declare themselves "conservatives first".  This allows them to step aside when GOP bashing is going on because they can safely distance themselves from the party in their own minds.  The truth is that they almost never vote Democrat, unless it's a protest vote, and they don't have the political stones to go it alone and pull a third party lever, except when no Republican is present in the race.

Continental Airlines - Exhibit A in the "good ol' days" fallacy.

Co-Op - How business, living, breathing, eating and procreating should be done in the world of Houston's urban set.

Crane, Jim - Current owner of the Houston Astros. Unclear on the financial impact of a publicly funded stadium.

Crossley, David - One who feels he knows, better than you, what's good for you and your family and where, and how, you should be living.  In short: The man who would be King.

Crossley, Jay-Blazek - The son of Crossley, David. No other known distinguishing characteristics.

It's easy to look at New Urbanism in Houston and think that they're just a bunch of folks who want to better the city through the implementation of the movement's principles.  As a matter of fact, new-urbanism, in theory, isn't all that bad.  The idea of compact, walkable neighborhoods is something that a lot of people, many living in The Woodlands, Sugar Land, West Houston, etc., have decided is a preferred lifestyle.  The problem is that Houston's version of the theory involves moving everyone (except the poor and minority) within Houston's Metropolitan Region where they will be stacked high and forced to commute minus air-conditioning and flexibility.  When things don't go as the urbanists would like, they call the citizens stupid, when things they like fail, they call the citizens stupid for not adopting their principles.  When confronted with the fact that hard density and central planning tenets make things very difficult for the poor to cope, they shrug their shoulders and write another editorial in ChronBlog.
Crude Oil - Used to make gasoline and plastics (among other things) often confused by ChronBlog energy writers as "gas".

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